Helen's Poem
The following is a poem written by Helen Hearnshaw as a tribute to her children on the anniversary of 10 years since her twin girls died...
We take for granted care-free life, we close our eyes and hope,
That if a tragedy should strike, we're strong enough to cope.
When pain and sorrow swamped my life, I made this thought my friend,
'Follow your heart and don't give up, you'll get there in the end.'
When Daniel was born I felt the warmth of something good,
A very special kind of love, born out of motherhood.
And eight months filled with joy passed in the blinking of an eye,
But S.M.A. brought promise that our son was soon to die.
Our Baby's life was snatched away before it had begun,
And all our hopes and dreams for him were shattered one by one.
Yet in the midst of sorrow crept a light to ease the pain,
With no hint of a warning we were told 'Go try again'.
In six weeks I was pregnant, three months later 'it' was twins,
I started to believe I could forgive God for his sins,
I let myself look forward, thought my crying days were done,
But little did I know that they had barely just begun.
At birth the girls seemed healthy, we believed that we'd been blessed,
And once again the house exuded joy and happiness,
But then I had a dream, I truly hoped it was a bluff,
A voice inside my head said,"You're not looking hard enough".
My joy had blinded me but from that very day I knew,
That both our girls had S.M.A. and they were dying too.
We filled their days with laughter, pushing all sad thoughts aside,
And lavished them so much love... Until the day they died.
I sank into oblivion in depths of dark despair,
And what the future held for me I really didn't care.
If I'd had proof that when I died, my babies I would see,
My life would end, for where they were, was where I had to be.
My saviour came, it took the guise of J.T.S.M.A.
Anita helped me chase all thoughts of suicide away.
She gave me hope to carry on and 'Get there in the end'
And from the very start I knew I'd found a special friend.
My need to be a mother kept me going once I'd faced
The truth that all I'd lost could never be replaced.
And with Anita's help, the new research for us came through.
Pre-natal tests were quick to prove a healthy boy was due.
We named him Oliver, so sure that he was here to stay,
But fate dealt us another blow that swept all hopes away.
He came into the world too soon, we never heard him cry,
Before we'd even said hello we had to say goodbye.
The midwife took a picture of our son wrapped in a shawl,
The only proof we have that he was ever here at all,
And so returned the heartache, such a soul destroying fiend
It wasn't easy to believe 'we'd get there in the end'.
Another pregnancy, another tough pre-natal test
Another week of sleepless nights, anxiety and stress.
I told myself, 'statistics proved three out of four would live',
But once again my world collapsed, the test was positive.
It was the strangest feeling that will haunt me evermore,
Agreeing the destruction of the child I so longed for.
On Christmas Eve a tiny heart stopped beating and I knew,
That as the world sang Silent Night, a part of me died too.
And still my heart said 'Don't give up', we had to try again,
Although our family and friends thought we must be insane,
But like a punch drunk fighter, bruised and battered on the floor,
I took the blows that knocked me down and still came back for more.
I learned to focus all my thoughts on good times that we'd had,
Remembering my babies' smiles, it hadn't all been bad.
Those messy baths, the country walks on summer afternoons,
A Christmas stroll through fairy lights and helium balloons.
When people asked me why we felt the need to try again,
I'd tell them, "Giving up would mean we'd suffered all in vain",
I missed the joy of Mother Love, no substitutes suffice,
For this alone I'd walk through Hell and gladly pay the price.
It seemed eternity since S.M.A. first wreaked its fear,
Now four years on our baby girl was given the all clear,
But still we daren't believe what all the doctors had assured,
Complacency was luxury that we could ill-afford.
An uneventful pregnancy, I scarcely could contain
My hopes that soon the day might come when we would live again.
At last she came into the world, I've never felt so glad,
To hear my baby cry the way none of her siblings had.
Our joy was overwhelming, at her we could only stare,
This noisy, lively, bundle with her tufts of curly hair,
But when I saw her big bright eyes, the tears began to flow,
Reminded of the family that she would never know.
The time had come to start again, the battle had been won,
But leaving all the heartache was much easier said than done.
With Lady Luck's benevolence we risked just one more feat,
And now another girl has made our family complete.
To Oliver and Stefanie, to Daniel and Danielle,
We had to put the past behind and say a sad farewell.
Now Alyss and Melyssa make each day a joy to live,
Enriched by unconditional love that only children give.
I'll always have my memories that never will erase,
And in my heart forever there's a sad and empty space,
Now one hug from my daughters helps to melt away the pain,
They're living proof that we were right to try and try again.
P.S.
I'd like to thank Anita and the J.T.S.M.A.
Without whom things would be so very different today.
So caring and supportive, good advice through any plight,
A shoulder there to cry on any time of day or night.
Encouraging and patient in my quest for motherhood,
For helping me find happiness I thought was gone for good.
And so I dedicate this verse to thank you my own way,
For all that you have done to free our lives of S.M.A.
See Also
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